How to Measure Distance in NYC
You live in New York City and a friend invites you to some event. “How far is it?” you ask. They say it’s five miles away. This friend has given you absolutely no information.
Okay, but what if instead of five miles away they say it’s half an hour away. That’s a bit more helpful, but still not what you’re looking for. That’s because distance in New York is not a question of how far something is, or even a question of how long it takes to get there. It’s a question of how much of a pain in the ass it is to get there. So let’s quantify this.
One schlep is defined as the minimum amount of travel that ought to affect your decision as to whether or not to attend an event. Colloquially, any amount of travel greater or equal to one schlep can be referred to as “a schlep.”
Different component parts of your travel contribute different amounts to the total schlep factor. These contributions individually can be less than one schlep, but they contribute additively.
A thirty minute walk is a schlep. That means a three minute walk is a deci-schlep, or 0.1 schlep. Easy. A fifteen minute walk? Half a schlep. Not too bad.
Taking a single train a short distance? Half a schlep. Could be less if it’s just a couple stops, but in that case you probably should have walked. Taking a single train a medium distance? That’s getting up there. Maybe three quarters of a schlep. A long distance becomes a schlep, definitionally. And tack on the walking on either end and you’ve likely exceeded a single schlep.
If you have to transfer trains? Then we count both legs individually, plus a quarter-schlep penalty for the transfer. If it’s one of those annoying transfers like 42nd from 8th Ave to 7th Ave or 14th from 7th Ave to 6th Ave, that’s an additional deci-schlep penalty.
Now hold on a second, you might be asking. If I ride a single train for, let’s say, eight stops, that’s not a schlep, but if ride a train two stops and then transfer to another train for one stop, that is a schlep even though it’s a shorter distance? Yes. Unless you could have walked there in under thirty minutes, in which case that’s on you.
If you transfer from a local train to an express train on the same line, you do not incur a schlep penalty if and only if the tracks are on the same platform. If you live on an express stop and you’re going to a local stop, that’s a deci-schlep penalty. It should follow intuitively to any New Yorker that going from 72nd¹ to 14th on the 123 is easier than going from 72nd to 23rd. That’s just basic math.
Crossing water? Half a schlep. This does theoretically permit non-schlep inter-borough travel, but only for very short train distances. I’m talking one or two stops max with minimal walking on either side. That said, if your friend in Long Island City proposes meeting at their place because it’s “convenient,” that’s an automatic schlep.
Taking the bus isn’t necessarily a schlep, but if you have to take the bus? One schlep. If you have to take two buses? Three schleps. One for each bus and one for the transfer. I don’t make the rules.
If the trains are screwy, that’s a half-schlep penalty. If the trains are really screwy, that’s a full schlep. If your normal train route is so screwed that the MTA is offering “free shuttle bus service,” that’s 1.5 schleps: one for the bus and a half for having to sit on that bus thinking about how much quicker this would normally be.
Staten Island? Automatic schlep on top of whatever transit you need to take there. But as a show of good faith, we’ll throw in the ferry for free.
If the weather’s bad, apply a 1.2x multiplier to all schleps, with a 1.5x multiplier applied to walking. If the weather’s really bad, then it’s 2x and 4x. If the Mayor has declared a state of emergency, that means the weather will almost certainly be fine and no schlep penalties are necessary.
If there are multiple options to your route, you are not obligated to select the route of lowest schlep. However, you cannot pretend to take a route of higher schlep as an excuse not to go to something. Actually, I take that back. Feel free to be as creative as you’d like to get out of going to things. That’s the whole point of this system.
¹In case it was unclear, I do in fact live on the Upper West Side.
